It was super foggy out and my eyelashes were heavy with the condensation. When I headed out at 6:00 am I was passed by another runner who looked like she was just getting done. We did a polite runners hello and laughed about getting our run done before the heat.
I had 5 miles in my head, not because of a training schedule or anything but I thought it would be a good solid number. I finished with 5.12 miles. I was a good run. I was hot/sweaty/sticky/drenched/thirsty/and hungry when I was done, but over all it was a good run.
I ran because well, I wanted to run. It felt nice to be out and not worrying about getting an amount in. When I needed to walk, I walked. When I needed a drink, I drank. (Okay I did that before too). But I realized I am not currently training for anything. I don't think I am going to run the half marathon I was thinking about running in September. I think right now, the best for me and my running sanity (is that a thing?) Is to just be a runner. Become stronger, fitter and overall excited again.
I am thinking..maybe the 10 km that September day. But I am not registering for it anytime soon.
I got the latest issue of "Women's Running" magazine and it was like they had read my mind. I am totally and completely the person in my head all the time when I am running or even telling people I run, I wonder what they are thinking? I wonder when people pass me when I run on the road and they see me, do they think "oh look at her, good for her." Not that I've been doing this for a few years. But maybe to them I don't look like it. Well maybe to me I don't either.
I wont lie when I saw the pictures from the 20 km race a few weeks ago I was embarrassed. How could I possibly think I look good. I love wearing "work-out clothes" weather I am working out or not, but when I saw myself...I thought "I look awful."
After reading the magazine cover to cover in one day. I realized I need to cut myself some slack. I am trying and I am doing my best (most days, LOL). I have a little girl who looks up to me and thinks I hung the moon and couldn't be prouder of me. I need to be proud of myself. I will never be skinny. I will however, be healthy.
**disclaimer I have never once in the 5 years P has been alive talked about "fat" or "skinny" I tell her all people are different and that's what makes us special. I never look in the mirror and say what I am thinking because I want her to be a confident and self loving human being. I don't look through magazines and say "I wish I looked like them." I just do my best. I show her a healthy lifestyle (at least I try) and we talk nutrition and not eating a lot of treats and so on. I just didn't want anyone to read this and think I bash myself in front of people, especially my daughter. I am a women and I mostly do it in my head. But I am getting better about it. But it will always be a struggle.**
I might not look like a runner, but I am a runner honey. A runner currently not training for anything but to be a better runner. And maybe one day some big goals. (below is me and my biggest fan).
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